my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
where am i from again
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
