theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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