well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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