i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
no you cant smoke seaweed
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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