Screwed.edu
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
