I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
