My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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