Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
