At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
