I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
