My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i will never coherently bang her
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
