i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
