Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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