I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my sisters under your porch take her home
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
