Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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