First date: that requires underwear, huh?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
