She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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