and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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