My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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