I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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