Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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