is your mom at the bar?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
this hospital has no fireball
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
