sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
