as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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