rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
