I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
