he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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