I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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