I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
