i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
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