This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
