can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
