watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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