I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
