well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
