mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
