Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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