don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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