hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
