Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
