Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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