ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
