She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
