I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
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