soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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