Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Rumble strips road head = magical
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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