I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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