the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
