My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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