Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
